Grief to growth

I didn’t lose my pink or my spark due to motherhood.

I lost myself due to perfectionism.

I lost my voice to keep the peace.

I didn’t have the ability to fight anymore I was tired.

I lost my big brother.

I lost having healthy parents.

I lost my confidence in my body, my brain.

I lost my dreams.

I learned patience.

I learned grace.

I learned we all grieve differently and for different lengths.

I learned cathartic movement and somatic movement is something to do but with less intensity.

I tore my ACL dancing to move energy and then I lost my brick and mortar for my business.

God/the Universe made me sit my ass down and I had space to grieve.

Grieve the life I had and what I thought my future would be.

Make space for new dreams.

I still grieve.

I lost community.

A lot of communities actually.

I also have gained some of the most profound people and communities.

I also rebuilt my confidence and security within myself.

I also am so grateful to have my parents alive.

Even my step dad who doesn’t respond to me.

I love him.

I am grateful to have my younger brothers on earth with me.

I am grateful to have a daughter in my womb and a son on earth.

I am happy with each decision I have made.

I stand on any and every crashout, fall out and let go.

I feel free of people pleasing.

I still ache when I don’t people please my parents or those close to me but my relationships are so solid I don’t have to.

There’s grief in transition.

There’s God in grief.

Grief hit me when I watched my grandfather take his last breath at 15 and I didn’t believe in God until grief hit me when I found sobriety after a heroin addiction.

Grief feels like withdrawal. True heroin withdrawal.

You can’t eat, you throw up, people tell you get over it and you’re okay while you’re begging for help and drowning because you don’t know what you need and neither do they.

Give yourself space every time you need it.

If you lose someone or something whether it’s to death or boundaries, don’t deny the sorrow, don’t push past your emotions. Feel them and get help regulating your nervous system.

There’s so much help out here but #1 make space for yourself. If you live with 100000000 people go to bathroom and lock the door if you have to. Just make space for yourself and listen more. Notice what sits good with you it’ll feel like remembering.

Notice what does not, let that go. Work on not being stuck in the emotion but flowing through them.

My favorite and first mantra ever was

“I allow energy to move freely through me” (from the book Mantras Made Easy https://amzn.to/3KDGgCt )

Look in the mirror for 5 minutes for 30 days and watch what magic happens.